There’s something about the past couple months that makes me feel a little more like anything goes right now. Like the me that would typically agonize for hours over whether or not I should post something, or if it’s relevant enough, or if people would care enough to read it… that part of me is now more like the the me after two Spotted Cows. Because who knows what is the right thing to talk about right now. No matter what you choose, you’re not getting it wrong (or right). And I like to think that everyone in the world has a more open heart at the moment, and sometimes it’s just reassuring to hear what other people have going through their heads too. So, fair warning that I might use this blog as more of a journal some days… like today. I love writing and being creative, but what I love more is connecting with people, and we could all use some of that right now.
On Monday this week, I was almost surprised by the blah type of mood I was feeling. I’ve been doing relatively good at staying semi-positive, I’d had up days and down days just like everyone else, but on Monday I felt so defeated and bored of this. My husband and I are both still working. He’s a police officer, so pretty much the definition of essential – and even though my photography business has been on hold for a bit, I’m still working a few days each week in my family’s home building business. So, some days life feels pretty close to normal and I think that’s part of what has helped me stay sane… almost. I was thinking about how all of the weeks leading up to this have been “eventful.” Mainly in a not-so-great way, but as we were all constantly learning more each day about our situation and what everyone should do, it felt like there was always something new. But on Monday, my brain finally decided that I’m over it. I had just reached the point where it seemed like the same story over again. Even the vocabulary that we all use to describe this time sounded like nails on a chalkboard to me. I’m bored of this. Tired of the back-and-forth in the news, in the comments of any article that I read online, and even in my own head as I desperately just try to figure out answers that nobody has.
I thought really hard this week about my thoughts and how I could get out of my own head and move on from this slump, and I realized something that I think is really important. Ever since the very first day of knowing that we were going to have to adjust our lifestyle in a huge way, I’ve been doing it all for the moment that it goes back to how it was. Back when we all naively thought that we’d just lay low for two weeks and then return to normal, I actually thought it my head, great – I’ll use that time to get my life together, and then wow, I’ll re-enter life ahead of the game. Even when it was pretty obvious that we’d be in some type of quarantine for a month or so, I always did everything with the thought that if I can just do the usual stuff and then a little extra, this time won’t have been in vain and we’ll move forward in a better spot than we were before. But you know what? On Monday I realized that with every new week lately, I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed because it’s not normal yet. I’m disappointed because I cleaned up the house 347 times and did countless load of laundry and organized a little and made dinner at home almost every single night and got the kids through every assignment in homeschool… but for what? It’s not normal yet. The fact that a new week started and I was just going to do the exact same things over again suddenly made me feel like the load of “life” was 10x heavier. It was like turning the page in my planner (just kidding, nobody is using a planner anymore) was the thing that reminded me again that the reward that my brain was thinking would be at the end of the tunnel still wasn’t there yet.
So, the only way that I think I can fix this is to change my mindset about it all, because otherwise I know I’ll continue to be disappointed every new week. Instead of doing everything in the name of being ready for when life returns to how it was, I have to do everything to try and be the best version of me for right now. And it’s hard because the right now me isn’t the same as the back then me. Instead of measuring the success of my days by how much work I got done, or how many photoshoots I booked, or what fun things we have to look forward to on our calendar, I need to change my parameters. A really good day right now is going to bed at night knowing that the people that I love are healthy and happy. It’s keeping up with the laundry just enough that we have some clean clothes to wear. It’s doing as much schoolwork as we can while we’re still smiling, and letting the rest go. There will be time again for being busy, I know… and I’m just trying so hard to be okay with the fact that the “reward” at the end of the week these days can feel just as good.
Love, Erin
